I Review Five Of My Favorite Horror Movies! Number Three "Pumpkinhead" (part 3 of 5}

Sorry for the delay in posts! it took me a while to narrow down my third choice. 

I had to really think about this one!

And I think I've got just the one. It's not the greatest movie ever made. It's not even the most action packed movie ever made. But what it does have makes up for what it lacks! I'm talking about 

That's right kids!!! Pumpkinhead! This is one of my all time favorite horror movies. It has everything! Skanks, douchebags, Stupid Kids, Dirt Bikes, and of course

Lance henriksen

So I don't want to reveal anything about this movie. Just know that I think it's amazing. Stay with it! It starts off slow but once shit starts going down!

It's amazing!

Also some people think we're starting to use too many gifs...

I don't think so!

I give Pumpkinhead a Five dead kids out of Five!

Mind Fucked: A Quick Glimpse at my Favourite Films

This is your brain on Fuck.

     Over the years I have given up on horror films. No matter the film within that genre, I just could not get immersed enough to feel the suspense, the fear, the horror of what is being shown before me. From Insidious to The Conjuring and V/H/S/... I just could not care less for them because I felt cheated out of actual fun.

     In their place though I have started picking up a lot more films with great mindfucks. What's a mindfuck you ask? Simple: Something so shocking and warped you just can't help but feel like the director's Imaginative and clever dick is just plowing through your brain. Films where you feel like you know what the ending will be, but in the end you were more wrong than David Irving.

     I feel like three movies in my catalogue fits this beautiful genre very well. The Prestige, Triangle, and Primer have made their way to my top fifty favourite films of all time. Each one, even with the knowledge of their respective mindfucks, is still a god damn blast to sit through.

     The Prestige has always been my favourite Nolan film. With my borderline homolove for Christian Bale and the absolutely brilliant casting of David Fuckin' Bowie as Nikola Fucking Tesla, hands down the most badass inventor to wield the power of Thor in written history, the Prestige had everything for me from the getgo in terms of the cast.

Oh hello, I'm David Tesla.

   The story itself was amazing and my love for magic helped appreciate the whole damn presentation. Now if you've seen the movie, which I really hoped you have otherwise you're spoiling yourself with the following few words, you might remember how awesome it was watching Hugh Jackman's descent into madness as he tries to one-up Bale with his magic acts. Then when both Bale's and Jackman's magic acts are revealed, you can't help but feel your brain yell "What the fuck?!"

What the fuck?! It's Alfred!

     Granted, as much as I love The Prestige, it was a very simple mind fuck. Practically straight forward mind fuck as you enter the final act of that movie. It's bam, in your face. A big LOOK! PREPARE TO YELL HOLY SHIT! But it's still fuckin' amazing.

Go watch Triangle.

     Now Triangle is a movie I -=HIGHLY=- recommend. I also -=HIGHLY=- recommend not watching any trailers or read any reviews for this movie as it's way better going in blind. This was a film I randomly decied to watch one day on Netflix and it ended up becomming one of my favourite films of all time. To the point where I make damn sure I watch it each year for my Halloween Horror Film Month. Triangle and Trick 'r Treat will forever be in that playlist.

     What made Triangle an absolute hell of a ride was just how unexplained everything is. Movie starts and already you can't help but feel a little unnerved by the presentation. Something is wrong and more bad shit is coming your way. As Jess' mind fractures under the pressure of the mindfuck she and her friends stepped in, it's almost a guilty pleasure seeing how everything unravels and watching her do anything possible to return to a normal life. I'm almost sorry for being vague about this movie, but I honestly feel like it's just one that should not be spoiled. Seriously, go fucking watch it and enjoy that smooth mindfuck wrinkle your brain.

Seriously, go watch Triangle.

     The final film that fills this trilogy of serious mindfucks has to be Primer. No doubt about it, Primer is one weird mind fuck of a film. Congragu-fuckin'-lations to you mister smarty pants if you figured out this movie in one sitting. I was unfortunate in this manner and had to watch it multiple times to grasp everything within it, but truth be told I was perfectly fine with that.

I would go back and kill Lord Voldemort when he was a child.

     Now I wouldn't say Primer is a -fun- movie to rewatch. I will say, however, it's a damn interesting one to do so. There's so many damn nuances with each viewing that helps paint the bigger picture of what Aaron and his friends did as they fucked with the laws of time and space.

     With it's low-budget and seriously odd pacing, Primer had always been a weird one for me to recommend to people. But as time goes by and the more and more I think of this wonderful movie, I can't help but wonder how the mindfuck affected my friend's brains. Listening to the theories on how everything fell together and/or apart is part of the charm to Primer, and the entire time you can't figure out if the movie is fucking smarter than you or more pretentious than you first imagined. Regardless of the reasoning, I'm compelled to say Primer is one of my quintessential films bathed in mindfuckery.

     Now whether or not you agree with me on any of these points is like, your own opinions man. But for me, I continue to find these suspenseful and somtimes confusing films too damn fun to pass up on. If you got any more films you find to be massive mindfucks, feel free to shoot me a message and I'll watch them.

I Review Five Of My Favorite Horror Movies! Number Four "Bad Moon" (part 2 of 5)

Okay so this is another almost unknown Horror movie. It didn't get the hype or respect it deserved. Now I love werewolf movies and honestly I could fill up this top five with just that. But I piked the werewolf movie I recommend to my friends and consider to be one of the best! 

It starts off a little slow and heavy on the character development. But when that werewolf appears for the first time! Man is it something to see! Using a mixture of CG and practical effects they make the absolute perfect representation of what a werewolf should look like. A massive hulk of a beast!

It has got to be the most intimidating werewolf I've ever seen! Dog Soldiers being a very close second. Like I did for the last movie I'll keep my description to a minimum. Don't want to ruin anything. If you love creature features or are a werewolf buff like me. Don't miss this movie!

I give "Bad Moon" Five Full Moons out of Five

If you can find it! Pair this with the Newcastle "Werewolf" Blood Red Ale.

I Review Five Of My favorite Horror Movies! Number Five "Pontypool" (part 1 of 5)

Okay! I wanted to start this five parter out right! This is my number five pick "Pontypool".

Not an insanely popular movie nor a very well known movie, but damn if it isn't one of the best zombie movies I've ever seen. That being said, it is not your average "zombie" movie. And, maybe that's why I love it! It doesn't follow the standard story line or rely too heavily on special effects. It gives the viewer a chance to imagine what is happening. They paint the picture and the better your imagination the better this movie will be! This won't be a long review because I don't want to reveal any spoilers. But I will Fox news the shit out of this with graphics and gifs!

 If you love horror movies than you should NOT miss this one!

I give "Pontypool" a Five Shock-jocks out of Five 

Pair this with a Rum and Coke 

The Wolf of Wall Street (Goodfellas: Part 2).

That's right kids Martin Scorsese did it again!!!!! He made a long ass movie with the word "fuck" about a bahgillion times. 

"HOORAY!" he said with sad derision.

Let me roll back and explain.

Goodfellas.

The gist of it.

Guy is poor. Guy grows up. Guy realizes money is awesome to have, so naturally more of it would be awesomer... awesomer? (YEA ENGLISH!) Guy does illegal things to make more money. Guy does drugs and gets busted by the F.B.I.

That's that. Joe Pesci gets pissed off and kills people. Robert De Niro makes an angry face and Ray Liota does drugs.  Yup 148 minutes of that.

Don't get it twisted my homies. I love Goodfellas. AMAZING movie. I grew up watching gangster films and that movie beats the shit out of Scareface any day of the weak. But that really is the entire plot of that movie. And it's based on the actually person Liota plays, Henry Hill.

So, how did I get that out of Wolf of Wall Street? Glad you asked.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Guy is poor-ish. Guy grows up. Guy realizes money is awesome, so more, gooder. Guy does illegal stuff and junk. Guy does drugs, gets busted by the F. B. (fucking) I.

No shit. that's the plot. Weird right?

Well there yeah go and it's 180 minutes long... Guess Martin had a bit more to say.

Look if this was The Departed, someone would die and not of a heart attack, which is how the only person to die in the movie dies, and not even on screen.

If this was Hugo, no one would care. Hated that movie. My twelve year old nephew hated it and he was nine when it came out.

Now let's talk about the acting.

AMAZING! Leo GREAT! Jonah BRILLIANT!! Those other people in the movie that I can't recall by name. WONDERFUL!

I am not bagging on the exicution of this film at all. I loved the cinimatography, the editing, the acting, the directing, but the story has been done and by Martin Scorsese. I find that very sad and boring and the whole time I was watching the movie, I just kept thinking about "Now go get your fucking shine box."

Why did this movie get so many nominations for so many awards? Because of Mr. Scorsese I presume. He is awesome and people love his movies and he can do the same things over again and people still love it.

If he would have just given this story and script to someone else it still would have been a good flick, but I would have said out loud to the TV like I did "This is just Goodfellas part 2."

3/5 just so so.

been there done that. 

This Bitch Reviews "Frankenstein's Army" (part 5 of 5)

I started the night thinking "I need to end this five parter with a zombie movie!". I thought I'd picked out a good choice for a shitty zombie movie. But yet another movie surprises me. I can't believe that this actually turned out to be good.

It started out with your typical dick soldiers running amok during wartime. Fighting, pillaging, and raping until they receive a distress call from allied forces. Upon reaching said forces, they find mountains of corpses and some really crazy shit going down! It's at that time the movie takes a serious turn for the better! You see your first zombie. But not your typical zombie mind you. Some crazy ass Re-Animator meets Bio Shock zombies. Seriously freaky looking zombie/robots.

I didn't expect to be frightened by these zombies. But some of those Zeds were crazy cool looking! I'm pretty sure this place was a Big Daddy factory. I would not want to be anywhere near this place! 

It did not take long for things to get out of hand! This movie almost lost me at first, but the creature work alone brought me right back in!

I give "Frankenstein's Army" a 3 Re-Animated corpses out of 5

Pair this movie with a glass of scotch on the rocks!

This Bitch Reviews 2003 "Sasquatch" (part 4 of 5)

Originally I was going to review "Little Witches". But that proved to be more of a challenge then I thought.

All thought you did get to see titty in the first minute. And super hot Jennifer Rubin as a nun

  

The always gorgeous Clea Duvall

Just could not make this movie watchable! Had to stop about twenty minutes in. I would avoid this Catholic slut fest at all costs!

Now on to the real review. "Sasquatch" thank you for not disappointing me at all! You brought us right back to the shitty horror movie train. At first I thought it was going to be a found footage film. I fucking hate those!!! Thankfully it was not, however the focus was about as bad as a found footage movie. Then I find that the one and only 

"Bishop" Lance Henriksen

 is the lead in this movie.

 Now I'm on board! An Artificial Person vs Sasquatch that's something I need to see.

However, even that could not save this movie. For some reason Sasquatch possesses a multitude of super powers. Including but not limited to - Heat Vision, X-ray Vision, Super Speed, Bullet Time, and the ability to Teleport. That's right if Sas knows you're going to pull that trigger he can dodge that shit! Okay fine! Whatever you say movie. 

But that's not the worst part! Its all of the cliches. Main character brings the washed up old adventurer that thinks he's still hot shit. But we have a younger guy that's the real badass. Guess what?! Yeah the group finds out the old guys isn't shit and run to the younger guy. Of course you do! Then you have the "Mythical creatures aren't real" people and the I'm a cryptozoologist guy! Got to have that person to tell stories by the campfire. And of course he thinks bigfoot is real, no question! Plus they had the "Attack in the middle of the night turns out to be a bear" bullshit! Hopefully Bishop had nothing to do with the story. Then you finally see Sas and he looks like a damn basketball player wearing furs! Plus he's bald! 

What a waste of time.

I give 2003 "Sasquatch" a 1 Sas out of 5

Pair this with whatever gets you drunk! Maybe then you'll enjoy it!