Mind Fucked: A Quick Glimpse at my Favourite Films

This is your brain on Fuck.

     Over the years I have given up on horror films. No matter the film within that genre, I just could not get immersed enough to feel the suspense, the fear, the horror of what is being shown before me. From Insidious to The Conjuring and V/H/S/... I just could not care less for them because I felt cheated out of actual fun.

     In their place though I have started picking up a lot more films with great mindfucks. What's a mindfuck you ask? Simple: Something so shocking and warped you just can't help but feel like the director's Imaginative and clever dick is just plowing through your brain. Films where you feel like you know what the ending will be, but in the end you were more wrong than David Irving.

     I feel like three movies in my catalogue fits this beautiful genre very well. The Prestige, Triangle, and Primer have made their way to my top fifty favourite films of all time. Each one, even with the knowledge of their respective mindfucks, is still a god damn blast to sit through.

     The Prestige has always been my favourite Nolan film. With my borderline homolove for Christian Bale and the absolutely brilliant casting of David Fuckin' Bowie as Nikola Fucking Tesla, hands down the most badass inventor to wield the power of Thor in written history, the Prestige had everything for me from the getgo in terms of the cast.

Oh hello, I'm David Tesla.

   The story itself was amazing and my love for magic helped appreciate the whole damn presentation. Now if you've seen the movie, which I really hoped you have otherwise you're spoiling yourself with the following few words, you might remember how awesome it was watching Hugh Jackman's descent into madness as he tries to one-up Bale with his magic acts. Then when both Bale's and Jackman's magic acts are revealed, you can't help but feel your brain yell "What the fuck?!"

What the fuck?! It's Alfred!

     Granted, as much as I love The Prestige, it was a very simple mind fuck. Practically straight forward mind fuck as you enter the final act of that movie. It's bam, in your face. A big LOOK! PREPARE TO YELL HOLY SHIT! But it's still fuckin' amazing.

Go watch Triangle.

     Now Triangle is a movie I -=HIGHLY=- recommend. I also -=HIGHLY=- recommend not watching any trailers or read any reviews for this movie as it's way better going in blind. This was a film I randomly decied to watch one day on Netflix and it ended up becomming one of my favourite films of all time. To the point where I make damn sure I watch it each year for my Halloween Horror Film Month. Triangle and Trick 'r Treat will forever be in that playlist.

     What made Triangle an absolute hell of a ride was just how unexplained everything is. Movie starts and already you can't help but feel a little unnerved by the presentation. Something is wrong and more bad shit is coming your way. As Jess' mind fractures under the pressure of the mindfuck she and her friends stepped in, it's almost a guilty pleasure seeing how everything unravels and watching her do anything possible to return to a normal life. I'm almost sorry for being vague about this movie, but I honestly feel like it's just one that should not be spoiled. Seriously, go fucking watch it and enjoy that smooth mindfuck wrinkle your brain.

Seriously, go watch Triangle.

     The final film that fills this trilogy of serious mindfucks has to be Primer. No doubt about it, Primer is one weird mind fuck of a film. Congragu-fuckin'-lations to you mister smarty pants if you figured out this movie in one sitting. I was unfortunate in this manner and had to watch it multiple times to grasp everything within it, but truth be told I was perfectly fine with that.

I would go back and kill Lord Voldemort when he was a child.

     Now I wouldn't say Primer is a -fun- movie to rewatch. I will say, however, it's a damn interesting one to do so. There's so many damn nuances with each viewing that helps paint the bigger picture of what Aaron and his friends did as they fucked with the laws of time and space.

     With it's low-budget and seriously odd pacing, Primer had always been a weird one for me to recommend to people. But as time goes by and the more and more I think of this wonderful movie, I can't help but wonder how the mindfuck affected my friend's brains. Listening to the theories on how everything fell together and/or apart is part of the charm to Primer, and the entire time you can't figure out if the movie is fucking smarter than you or more pretentious than you first imagined. Regardless of the reasoning, I'm compelled to say Primer is one of my quintessential films bathed in mindfuckery.

     Now whether or not you agree with me on any of these points is like, your own opinions man. But for me, I continue to find these suspenseful and somtimes confusing films too damn fun to pass up on. If you got any more films you find to be massive mindfucks, feel free to shoot me a message and I'll watch them.

I Review Five Of My Favorite Horror Movies! Number Four "Bad Moon" (part 2 of 5)

Okay so this is another almost unknown Horror movie. It didn't get the hype or respect it deserved. Now I love werewolf movies and honestly I could fill up this top five with just that. But I piked the werewolf movie I recommend to my friends and consider to be one of the best! 

It starts off a little slow and heavy on the character development. But when that werewolf appears for the first time! Man is it something to see! Using a mixture of CG and practical effects they make the absolute perfect representation of what a werewolf should look like. A massive hulk of a beast!

It has got to be the most intimidating werewolf I've ever seen! Dog Soldiers being a very close second. Like I did for the last movie I'll keep my description to a minimum. Don't want to ruin anything. If you love creature features or are a werewolf buff like me. Don't miss this movie!

I give "Bad Moon" Five Full Moons out of Five

If you can find it! Pair this with the Newcastle "Werewolf" Blood Red Ale.

I Review Five Of My favorite Horror Movies! Number Five "Pontypool" (part 1 of 5)

Okay! I wanted to start this five parter out right! This is my number five pick "Pontypool".

Not an insanely popular movie nor a very well known movie, but damn if it isn't one of the best zombie movies I've ever seen. That being said, it is not your average "zombie" movie. And, maybe that's why I love it! It doesn't follow the standard story line or rely too heavily on special effects. It gives the viewer a chance to imagine what is happening. They paint the picture and the better your imagination the better this movie will be! This won't be a long review because I don't want to reveal any spoilers. But I will Fox news the shit out of this with graphics and gifs!

 If you love horror movies than you should NOT miss this one!

I give "Pontypool" a Five Shock-jocks out of Five 

Pair this with a Rum and Coke 

The Wolf of Wall Street (Goodfellas: Part 2).

That's right kids Martin Scorsese did it again!!!!! He made a long ass movie with the word "fuck" about a bahgillion times. 

"HOORAY!" he said with sad derision.

Let me roll back and explain.

Goodfellas.

The gist of it.

Guy is poor. Guy grows up. Guy realizes money is awesome to have, so naturally more of it would be awesomer... awesomer? (YEA ENGLISH!) Guy does illegal things to make more money. Guy does drugs and gets busted by the F.B.I.

That's that. Joe Pesci gets pissed off and kills people. Robert De Niro makes an angry face and Ray Liota does drugs.  Yup 148 minutes of that.

Don't get it twisted my homies. I love Goodfellas. AMAZING movie. I grew up watching gangster films and that movie beats the shit out of Scareface any day of the weak. But that really is the entire plot of that movie. And it's based on the actually person Liota plays, Henry Hill.

So, how did I get that out of Wolf of Wall Street? Glad you asked.

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Guy is poor-ish. Guy grows up. Guy realizes money is awesome, so more, gooder. Guy does illegal stuff and junk. Guy does drugs, gets busted by the F. B. (fucking) I.

No shit. that's the plot. Weird right?

Well there yeah go and it's 180 minutes long... Guess Martin had a bit more to say.

Look if this was The Departed, someone would die and not of a heart attack, which is how the only person to die in the movie dies, and not even on screen.

If this was Hugo, no one would care. Hated that movie. My twelve year old nephew hated it and he was nine when it came out.

Now let's talk about the acting.

AMAZING! Leo GREAT! Jonah BRILLIANT!! Those other people in the movie that I can't recall by name. WONDERFUL!

I am not bagging on the exicution of this film at all. I loved the cinimatography, the editing, the acting, the directing, but the story has been done and by Martin Scorsese. I find that very sad and boring and the whole time I was watching the movie, I just kept thinking about "Now go get your fucking shine box."

Why did this movie get so many nominations for so many awards? Because of Mr. Scorsese I presume. He is awesome and people love his movies and he can do the same things over again and people still love it.

If he would have just given this story and script to someone else it still would have been a good flick, but I would have said out loud to the TV like I did "This is just Goodfellas part 2."

3/5 just so so.

been there done that. 

This Bitch Reviews "Frankenstein's Army" (part 5 of 5)

I started the night thinking "I need to end this five parter with a zombie movie!". I thought I'd picked out a good choice for a shitty zombie movie. But yet another movie surprises me. I can't believe that this actually turned out to be good.

It started out with your typical dick soldiers running amok during wartime. Fighting, pillaging, and raping until they receive a distress call from allied forces. Upon reaching said forces, they find mountains of corpses and some really crazy shit going down! It's at that time the movie takes a serious turn for the better! You see your first zombie. But not your typical zombie mind you. Some crazy ass Re-Animator meets Bio Shock zombies. Seriously freaky looking zombie/robots.

I didn't expect to be frightened by these zombies. But some of those Zeds were crazy cool looking! I'm pretty sure this place was a Big Daddy factory. I would not want to be anywhere near this place! 

It did not take long for things to get out of hand! This movie almost lost me at first, but the creature work alone brought me right back in!

I give "Frankenstein's Army" a 3 Re-Animated corpses out of 5

Pair this movie with a glass of scotch on the rocks!

This Bitch Reviews 2003 "Sasquatch" (part 4 of 5)

Originally I was going to review "Little Witches". But that proved to be more of a challenge then I thought.

All thought you did get to see titty in the first minute. And super hot Jennifer Rubin as a nun

  

The always gorgeous Clea Duvall

Just could not make this movie watchable! Had to stop about twenty minutes in. I would avoid this Catholic slut fest at all costs!

Now on to the real review. "Sasquatch" thank you for not disappointing me at all! You brought us right back to the shitty horror movie train. At first I thought it was going to be a found footage film. I fucking hate those!!! Thankfully it was not, however the focus was about as bad as a found footage movie. Then I find that the one and only 

"Bishop" Lance Henriksen

 is the lead in this movie.

 Now I'm on board! An Artificial Person vs Sasquatch that's something I need to see.

However, even that could not save this movie. For some reason Sasquatch possesses a multitude of super powers. Including but not limited to - Heat Vision, X-ray Vision, Super Speed, Bullet Time, and the ability to Teleport. That's right if Sas knows you're going to pull that trigger he can dodge that shit! Okay fine! Whatever you say movie. 

But that's not the worst part! Its all of the cliches. Main character brings the washed up old adventurer that thinks he's still hot shit. But we have a younger guy that's the real badass. Guess what?! Yeah the group finds out the old guys isn't shit and run to the younger guy. Of course you do! Then you have the "Mythical creatures aren't real" people and the I'm a cryptozoologist guy! Got to have that person to tell stories by the campfire. And of course he thinks bigfoot is real, no question! Plus they had the "Attack in the middle of the night turns out to be a bear" bullshit! Hopefully Bishop had nothing to do with the story. Then you finally see Sas and he looks like a damn basketball player wearing furs! Plus he's bald! 

What a waste of time.

I give 2003 "Sasquatch" a 1 Sas out of 5

Pair this with whatever gets you drunk! Maybe then you'll enjoy it! 

This Bitch Reviews "2009 The Hole" (part 3 of 5)

A movie determined to ruin my crappy horror movie five parter!

Thanks director Joe Dante!

Thanks hot mom Teri Polo!

Thanks super hot neighbor Haley Bennett!

I went into this movie thinking it was going to suck. That's perfect for a five part shitty movie review right? But NOOOO!!! This movie was actually good. I thought I'd be able to pick it apart and get some good stuff. And I did at first. It started with your standard, new family movies in and struggles to fit kind of story. The older son is a troubled loner that kicks ass at sketching. The younger son is an attention grabbing little shit. Mom is having a hard time with things. But finds a good guy and wants to try and make it work.

But then The Hole comes into play. And shit starts to get good! The hole in the basement forces people to confront what scares them the most. For the younger son it's a kick ass jester doll. That comes to life and tries to kill him Puppet Master style. For the hot neighbor its a friend she let die when they were kids? That was messed up! And for the older boy it's equally as cool. At least for me because I feel like I relate to his fear. I want to complain about this movie but I can't. All together a great film and I recommend it to everyone! Did I mention the neighbors hot?

I give 2009 "The Hole" 4 Jester Dolls out of 5

Pair this movie with an ice cold beer of your choice. I'd go with Fat Tire

Give Me an Actual Giver Movie

Look... I love The Giver. 

A fantastic dystopian story that came out years before the shitty decent Hunger Games series was even a thought in the back of Suzanne Collin's odd little mind. I love Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep. I believe they're phenomenal actors and are amusing to watch. So why am I having a hard time getting excited for the movie adaptation?

Well, you don't judge a book by its cover, but having a visual representation of what the final product could be like, judging a movie by its trailer is by far easier to do. Everything I saw in the Giver's trailer just downright infuriated me.

A year ago I saw the trailer for Ender's Game and just seeing scenes from the book brought to life by some swanky CGI and Asa Butterface's goofy acting got me so pumped for the movie, I literally went on and on about the damned book and how exciting it was to see an actual adaptation! 

Put the other hand down Buttfields, that's how you do a proper high five.

That was a trailer done right! Despite it ended up being above average, I still enjoyed the hell outta Ender's Game. The trailer caught my attention as a long time fan of the series and it kept me interested enough to keep tabs on its production. But I digress; if you haven't gotten a chance to read the book, well shame on you. Go out there and find a copy and read it now damn it. 

But to help you through the rest of this rant post, I'll give you some background. The Giver follows the life of Jonas as he lives in a perfect little community where everyone is the same. Differences causes conflicts, so everyone is controlled to be the same in every way. The way they dress, the way their houses are built, and even downright to the way they see the world. See the book takes great detail in letting you, the reader, know that shit's all black and white. Colours invoke emotions and EMOTIONS ARE BAD. Fuck everything Seasame Street has taught you, the world is black and white and those are the only colours you will need. Speaking of emotions, those were thrown away as well just like in Equilibrium.

This would work in the Giver universe, but these two men 

are too handsome to live in such a world...

Well Jonas gets selected to be a 'Reciever of Memory.' A fancy job that allows him access to this mythical thing known as Knowledge. The Giver, the previous Reciever of Memory, and professional Jeff Bridges impersonator, grants Jonas this gift and also helps him feel things. One thing leads to another and Jonas 'accidentally' escapes from the utopian community with a baby that was supposed to be killed, because FUCK TWINS.

The world Lois Lowry sets up is a god damn spectacle. I remember being so engrossed in this book, that I finished it within a day while the rest of my class skimmed through the first chapter. The movie on the other hand, based solely on the trailer, holds none of that magic. It looks so god damn generic. Nothing about it screams The Giver. Jeff Bridges is a cool addition, but seriously what the fuck is up with all those COLOURS?

What is this shit?! AN ANIMATED FILM?

And then you have this stupid piece of shit thing.

Too late kid! YOU'RE PART OF THIS TRAINWRECK OF A FILM!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I understand that a book can't be 100% adapted, but what the hell was the point of throwing god damn hover jets into a movie where centuries of strife and conflict has kind of set the entire human race back to the stone age (with bikes). I don't even remember him being that close to being caught with the baby either. A small part of me wants this movie to bomb so hard that a chance for a sequel would be thrown right out the window. On the flipside of this, I wouldn't mind if the movie turned out geniunely decent if I can get over the fact that it has the title of one of my favourite books.

Right now, it seems to me that all Hollywood is trying to do is ride this Hunger Games/Dystopian Future/BOOK ADAPATION TO THE MAX train into the ground long enough before the next big thing pops out of the more creative people out there. It's just a damned shame that this fantastic book got caught in this hype and hysteria and as a big fan of the series, it's a damned shame it looks to be a massive clusterfuck abomination with the sole purpose of making a quick buck.

Can we at least get a B&W Jeff Bridges?

This Bitch Reviews "The Innkeepers" (part 2 of 5)

Chapter One - The Movie That Never Ends

Starting this movie I'd hoped that Sara Paxton's cuteness would make it watchable. And it barely did! Of course her character has asthma. Such a quirky and unique idea, I've never seen that before. The movie starts out as any haunting movie would. Two Innkeepers interested in the Inn's questionable past. Sure okay I'm game! But you quickly realize that The Innkeepers is just "Sara Paxton Makes Goofy Faces and Acts Like a Fifteen Year Old" the movie. She even had chipped unfinished nail polish like you find on a teen. Plus no socks with normal shoes! Come on girls gross!

Chapter Two - Ain't Shit Happening

30 minutes in and Sara's face is still the only interesting thing about this movie. I will give this movie credit for not relying on sudden load noises to force a reaction from the viewers. That being said not a lot to talk about here. The movie continues with the character development and plot buildup. You really do start to care about the two Innkeepers. Then you hit the 40 minute mark and still nothing. The movie itself feels like an 80's style haunting film. At times I half expected one of the Corey's to come busting in to help the team. Plus you learn that some retired actresses are mystics!

Chapter Three - Sara Paxton the Macaulay Culkin of Females 

It's not until 1:15 minutes into the movie. That you finally start to see that this is in fact a movie about ghost! That's when Sara Culkin encounters a full fledged tangible apparition! Wait... Nope still nothing!!! 1:25 minutes into the movie shit finally starts happening. The last twenty minutes gives you some pretty cool action sequences. But it's too little too late. An hour and a half of buildup for a super weak conclusion. Thoroughly disappointed. 

I give The Innkeepers two and a half Paxton's out of five

I recommend pairing this film with a nice Hard Cider

    

This Bitch Reviews 2012 "Aftershock" (part 1 of 5)

A lighthearted romp of a disaster movie. Taking place in sunny Santiago Chile! Full of interesting wine facts and bubbly tour guides.

Then you get ten minutes into the movie and realize everyone is a complete douche bag plus Selena Gomez. Chile - manufacturing douche bags for the past twenty years! I couldn't wait for the earthquake to hit and free us from the d-bag oppression. Thankfully it only took 34 minutes for the actual movie to start. just enough time for character development and attachments to be made... Didn't happen!

I can't even say the native people saved this movie. Not a single decent person in that city! Aftershock casts such a negative light on Chile and its people. It has now made it onto my Never Go There list of places. Even the rescue crews just made everything worse! Seriously according to this movie Santiago Chile can not handle a disaster. Every negative thing that could happen to these people DID! They have some of the worst luck ever. But this is probably why I haven't heard of this movie until it hit Netflix. 

I give 2012 "Aftershock" a zero out of five!

This movie pairs well with a nice aged Cabernet.  

 

Blowing X-Men: The Last Popsicle Stand

Gearing up for the release of Days Of Future Past I figured I'd revisit Brian Singer's last entry in the X-Men universe; X2: X-Men United. From the opening White House scene with Nightcrawler to Wolverine defending the mansion from the men in black. It really got thinking about how much I fucking hated the film that came after it; X-Men: The Last Stand

Brett Ratner made such a clusterfuck of a film with "The Last Stand" that it seems now that Singer is swooping in to repair the damage.  The pointless death of Xavier, the overabundance of vanilla mutants, and that horrendous final battle on Alcatraz were all detrimental. Magneto can rip apart the Golden Gate Bridge but he can't get rid of Wolverine and Colossus with a flick of his wrist? Please. Ratner got a hold of the X-Men like a little girl getting a hold of her brother's GI Joes. He dressed them up the way he wanted them and didn't really care what kind of attention he gained. As long as it had "X-Men" in the title he would be guaranteed a blockbuster.

X2 had grand portrayals of government paranoia and just how much the human race would freak out if there there were to be a spike in our evolution. The Last Stand had a computer generated Patrick Stewart and this guy.

Now hopefully with DOFP we can finally just skip the unpleasantness of Brett Ratner's abomination and get right back into the Singer X-Men universe. If it's good I might even be willing to forgive him for Superman Returns. Oh, who am I kidding, no I won't.

My anticipation is rising for Guardians Of The Galaxy. I mean it looks terrific! With its imminent arrival this summer I've even deluded myself into thinking I've been a long time fan. I've even purchased issues of the current run of the comics. So dammit James Gunn don't fuck this up for me! 

"You really think this Boy Scout bullshit's gonna work?"

I have a great relationship with my Dad but neither of us are very loquacious.  When we are feeling talkative, movies are always our topic of choice. We'll talk about a film for hours, whether it came out yesterday or 50 years ago.  When I was growing up he made me watch great films like Young Frankenstein, A Shot In The Dark, and Pale Rider. One film that really stood out to me as a growing boy, was the original Predator. 

Dad's taste has undoubtedly influenced my own. To this day I think Predator is THE manliest film ever made and not in some modern day, douchey, how-much-pussy-will-this-get-me sort of way, but in the way that speaks of the art of war and survivalism and what it means to be a soldier. My dad would get especially excited when the "boy scout" trap scenes would come up because he knew I was going ask about them. He would gladly explain to me how a dead-fall worked or how Dutch could make a feasible bow in the jungle. Now I think to myself, 'anything is feasible with huge muscles and a killer jawline.' 

Predator was created in a damn near golden age of film. I'm not just saying that because it was the era I was born into or because the 80's were the bee's knees. Filmmakers still had rely on creative special effects teams and great filming locations instead of just using a green screen for everything.  Geniuses like Stan Winston created phenomenal make-up effects and costumes and actors like Kevin Peter Hall sweated their asses off in those phenomenal make-up effects and costumes. It's an era in film we'll never see reproduced but thankfully I have an absurd amount of DVDs, blu-rays, and digital media I can surf through, when it comes time to relive that epic showdown between Arnie and the Predator. I get all sorts of manly tingles when he lights that torch and roars into the night like a muddy Austrian bear in heat.

I find that a nice mug of Newcastle Brown Ale goes best with Predator.